O thy Katana
by QueensOfCha0s
Summary: Reupload for my sis. A fic for our crazy friend Katana and her meeting her fav person in the mass effect universe!


"O, thy Katana"

"Katana! Get up, now! It's the 9th time I've told you!"

"Im UPPP!," Katana shouted back. "Geez," she grumbled to herself as she slid out of bed and into her fish themed bathroom. She stared groggily at her reflection. It always took her a while to snap awake and become her fully fledged, energetic self. She grabbed her toothbrush and squirted toothpaste on it. Some fired towards the mirror. "Balls," she mumbled. She shoved the toothbrush into her mouth and slowly scrubbed her teeth clean. Then something caught her eye.

"What the-" she turned to the toilet and saw a strange blue glow coming from it. Toilets backed up again? Ugh she thought. Not frickin again. "Mom! My toilet is clogged up again with some weird toxic waste stuff!" She grabbed her plunger and stabbed it into the toilet to begin the process of un-clogging the toilet. She thought she almost had it un-clogged when she heard a strange gurgly, sucky sound. It looked like the water was going down. Then, upon closer inspection (and by closer I mean face about an inch away from the crapper) she realized it was glowing brighter. Then a bright light engulfed her and nearly burned her eyeballs out. She felt as if she were falling through space and time itself. Then BAM! Her butt hit a solid metal floor.

It took her a few moments to gain her bearings and figure out her surroundings. It was... well im not sure how to explain it, but in Katana's words, it would be a "Big, metal spacey, shippey room. YAY!" Well, it would be yay if she hadn't just woken up. And wasn't covered in slimy blue goo. Somehow though, this room felt familiar. As if she had explored it before. Just out of curiosity, she turned her head to see if a bed was right across from her. Yes. "Balls,"she mumbled. But then her eyes widened. The crapper had to have exploded on her and made her fall and hit her head. She had to be dreaming. "Aw, screw it," she thought,"If I'm passed out, might as well enjoy my weird hallucinations."

She stood and walked towards the bed. She felt excitement rise inside her as she saw a body in the bed. She took a step closer and heard a very disgusting squish come from her shoe. Then blue slime dripped from her hair. "Ewwwwwwww ew ew ew ew ew." The body shifted. She froze, not wanting to wake the attendee. Nothing happened. Inhaling deeply, she slapped her inner self and told herself to be more manly. In less than one heartbeat she was right next to the bed. The attendee wore big, bulky armor and his face. Katana had seen that face before, but where? She leaned closer to get a better look. He had a bit of scaly skin, okay he was completely covered in scaly skin. "Oh god,"Katana thought. Then before she could stop herself she screamed,"Oh MY FREAKIN GOD ITS GARRUS!" That woke Garrus up and he shot up. He replied with,"OH my GOD! Who the frig are you?!" That set off a chain reaction of screams, mostly involving Katana. Her heartbeat intensified and she felt really dizzy. Her eyes rolled back into her head and she fell forward, falling right on Garrus.

Poor Garrus had no choice but to catch the girl that was rapidly falling towards him. He awkwardly grabbed her abdomen area or whatever you call it. "Umm..." he slid off the bed as best he could without hitting the girls head on anything. Then BAM! He didn't exactly slam her face into the wall... but he slammed her face into the wall. The spectacles on her face fell to the ground and broke. You'd think they broke from her hitting the wall or falling on the floor, but nope garrus stepped on them. Then he dropped the girl while trying to pick up her glasses. During that process of her falling to the ground, she slammed her head on the metal rim of the bed. "Dammit,"he said. He awkwardly wrapped one arm around her back and the other under her legs. He wasn't used to holding other girls exactly. He slightly held her away from his body. Then he tried to gracefully lay her on the bed, as if he were the male character that saved a girl from near death, but it turned more into an awkward drop back first, slam head on metal rim of bed again, and then drop her legs onto the bed. "Umm..." he said as he looked down at the glasses. They weren't too broken were they? He picked them up gently. Then he placed them on her face. They slid to a slant on her face. That wouldn't work. He picked up her glasses and went to his workbench which was by his worktable.

In the meantime, Katana slid open her eyes slowly. She felt a mattress beneath her. "Oh thank god," she said aloud,"It was just a dream."

"What was?"

Katana shot up. Then regretted it as sharp pain shot through her head. She thought she saw Garrus. "God mom, I must've hit my head harder than I thought. It feels like I was tied to the back of an airplane and flown over a field full of signs."

"Im not your mother," Garrus was confused. "You appeared out of nowhere in my room."

"Your room," Katana said, with her eyes squinting. The light still hurt,"This is mah room, so gettout weirdo." Garrus was still confused. It wasn't everyday that random girls showed up in his room. Especially ones that knew his name and screamed it. Then Katanas vision adjusted.

"Oh My GOD. Its Garrus!" She screamed.

"Please don't faint again. And how do you know my name?"

Katana was full on hyperventilating. Her thoughts revolved mainly around this point,"Oh my god Garrus is here. Oh my god Garrus is here" Her hands were waving frantically as if she couldn't breathe. It seemed like she was holding her breathe from Garrus's point of view. Once it looked like she was okay (and by okay I mean not doing whatever it was she was doing) she answered him.

"You, You're from a video game. You are not real. Haha, im... Oh god. This is that moment when every sane person goes insane. I never thought I would actually loose my last marble."

Garrus widened his eyes at her. He had no clue what was going on.

"I broke your glasses, so I figured you would want them fixed." He handed her a pair of google glass looking glasses.

"Oh my god. Garrus fixed my glasses." She put them on to reveal extremely cool technical stuff. "Woah..."

"Um, what planet are you from?"

"Earth. I would ask the same question, but I know everything about you." When she said that she stared at him a little too long. He jerked his head away quickly to stop her from staring at him.

"Uh, I mean thanks for...fixing my glasses." She tried to smile not so creepily.

Garrus had no idea what to do so he called in sheperd.

"Well, she wound up in your room. Shes your responsibility now." She said as the girl known as Katana ran around the room looking at everything and naming it. Then laughing and doing that weird hyperventilation thing she was doing earlier. Then she would sometimes stop in front of Garrus and just stare at him. Then she would breathe even faster and take off running and screaming.

"Its not my fault she wound up here!"

"Yes, but seeing that she lacks the ability to return herself home, you must help her find that ability,or just kick her back." She looked back at Katana. "I think she is lacking the ability to do anything right now." Then she turned and walked out of the room.

Garrus didn't know what to do. He noticed the blue goo dripping off of the girl and offered her some clean clothes. She took the clothes happily and started hyperventilating again. Before he knew it he would have had to cart her off to the emergency room because she lacked enough oxygen to the brain.

He sat down after she changed clothes and washed off.

"So... we need to get you home. We just need to figure out a way."

"Okay." she sat across from him and again stared too long.

He looked away. "First some ground rules."

"Okay then."

'Number One: No doing what you're doing right now. Number Two: Don't try to touch me or anything weird, it makes me feel...unpleasant. Now three: surprisingly I havent though of a rule number three but when I do ill let you know."

"Geez, calm your tatas, you act like I'm a stalker."

Garrus frowned at that. He was more confused than ever.

"What are these... tatas you speak of?"

"You don't know- just nevermind." Katana walked away to look at more of his guns. She saw one she liked and picked it up. Before she knew it she was taking it apart. "Oooh. How does this work?"

Garrus was scared for his precious gun. "Hey, be careful with that! Its my favorite. Please don't hurt it.

"It is?" she replied,"Cause I can take it apart easily." When she finished her sentence she took it apart completely. Garrus gasped in fear of her breaking it. He snatched the gun away from her and examined it closely. It was fine. All the important stuff in tact. No nuts or bolts poking out at weird intervals.

"How did you?"

"I have no clue. I can figure stuff out pretty good I guess."

Garrus remained silent. He was surprised to find that she could successfully take apart a weapon.

"Can you put it back together?"

"Sure this thingamabob goes here," while she said that she pushed something onto the gun frame (Or whatever you would call it. Im not good with knowing gun stuff.) "And this goes here,"She said while pushing a button to insert something,"And this goes here, and this goes up that, and that goes into this cone thingey, and finally put this here and TaDAAA!"

Garrus gingerly picked up the gun. It was perfect. Anyone else had a hard time taking that gun apart. "Oh, and you can make some changes. If it doesn't work you can do some calibrations to figure it out."Garrus never thought of doing something like this before. How could he not have? This slightly odd girl was slightly smarter than him!

"I never thought of trying that before."

"Yeah, you can add a whole bunch of crap to that thing."

Garrus smiled.

Some time later, after he had Katana disassemble and reassemble some more difficult weapons he sat down at his workspace."Time to figure out how to get you home. How did you get here?"

"I...uh... ha ha, I came through the john."

"Who is this john you speak of? Perhaps we can find him and have him send you home."

At that Katana smiled and giggled."The toilet. I came through the toilet."

"Oh," he replied embarrassed,"Well lets go and observe our urinary systems and see if we can send you back."

Some time later they came back to Garrus room. No luck finding any way back home. Katana and Garrus flushed, plunged, and added weird chemicals to the toilet to see if anything would happen. Nothing frickin happened, would be katanas exact words.

"What about that blue goo you were covered in?"

"I dont know. Get a sample and...I don't know, observe it."

Garrus did as he was told. The goo was pretty strange. It seemed to come from a creature of some kind. It smelled rank. Then he understood.

"Earlier we had reports from another planet that all their toilets were backed up. They had to redirect the route of their...feces to save their planet from a crap explosion."

"Okay... so it backed up into my bathroom. Wait they poop blue goo?"

"yes they are a very sticky race of aliens."

"Oh..."

"So all we have to do is put that goo in a toilet so it gets clogged, then boom you're back home."

"Oh...simple enough."

Garrus walked into his own personal bathroom. It was grey and matalic and cold. Not the best place to use the bathroom on a cold night, unless you liked freezing your butt off while you peed. Garrus had a vile of the blue goo. It was glowing, he thought water made it stronger so it would expand. He dumped the contents of the vial into the toilet. It was a small amount but it started to expand and glow brighter.

"Well, here we go. Back home."

"Yeah huh." They stood awkwardly. Katana crossed her arms. She wasn't that weird a person at all. She was pretty awesome. Garrus felt he was supposed to do something, but what.

"Uhh...You have a nice posture."

"Uh, thanks."

"I like your glasses, they make you look intellectual." Garrus wanted to slap himself or slam his face in a wall. Perfect things to say. But to Katana they were amazing, as if he were Shakespeare, telling her his beautiful poetry that he wrote her. She felt as if she would faint from swooning. If only... Before she knew it she stepped forward and kissed him on his smooth, reptilian like lips. The kiss was electric, and she felt as if actual fireworks had gone off. But it was just the toilet exploding its bright blue light. She stepped back.

Garrus was shocked by the kiss. Now he knew how he really felt. She could take apart a weapon and put it back together, she was just as awkward as he, and she was everything he wanted. He instantly loved her. She smiled.

"Katana..."

"Garrus..."

They stood looking into each others eyes. His nearly black eyes, her brown ones. The moment felt so perfect. They didn't want to end this moment. It had to last forever.

"Katana...stay."

"I can't Garrus, its too late. It wouldn't work out even if I could stay. We are...from different dimensions. It would be wrong to the world."

"If its wrong, then I don't want to be right."

Garrus found his bearings. He pulled katana closer and kissed her harder than before. Katana was stunned.

"Katana I-" he was unable to finish the sentence. Just then she was swooped away into the blue light. Then an explosion that sent garrus flying back from his bahtroom all the way to his bed. He slammed his head on the metal rimming of the bed.

Katana shot up from the bathroom floor. Her mom was above her asking her something.

"Katana! You hit your head! I think you have a concussion."

Katana shook herself. The kiss was still fresh on her lips. Garrus...

"I'm fine mom, calm down." Katana stood up and walked around. No, it was just a dream. It was fake, she told herself. Nothing like that would happen to her. She cleaned up the mess in her bathroom. The toilet exploded everywhere, no goo in sight. But behind the toilet there was a trace of blue goo.

Garrus shot up. His head hurt. Oh, he thought, I just hit my head too hard. But then he saw blue goo all over his bathroom, and the puddle on the floor next to him. Nope, this was no dream. The girl he loved was gone and possibly never to be seen again. No, he thought, I will find her.

He grabbed another vial full of the goo and put it in his toilet. With a bright light and a whoosh he was gone.


End file.
